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Iv’e been given feedback from my teacher to change some stuff in my essay and i

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Iv’e been given feedback from my teacher to change some stuff in my essay and i would like you to do it for me in the best way:
Paragraph 1- This beginning is interesting but could be exapanded to use a more full idea of knowledge in ToK as it is more than information. Firstly, it can be thought of as a map. Plus, knowledge can be procedural, it can be wisdom, or it can be in specific Areas of Knowledge. Again, this is a good beginning, just enrichen it.
The second paragraph discusses “combination”, but “useful” is not and it should be.
I suggest that you make a paragraph examining ethics in combination with a few other AoKs before focusing on its relation with Natural Sciences. The same is true for Natural Sciences before focusing on it in combination with Ethics.
Medicine and ethics is a good choice.
I suggest rewriting the paragraph about your experience of treatment. Either give sufficient details to make it a reality for the Reader, or write it as a third person account your read about. As it sounds now, it seems hypothetical.
Also, I applaud the use of memory and reason. However, I think it needs to be grounded into the methods and combination of the process of construction knowledge in your two AoKs and not just how you came to your points.
Finally, the essay is a good beginning. Read my notes and try to apply them. The final draft for this semester is in 10 days. We can speak during next class or through email or through a special Zoom class if you request it.
I will attach the essay in the files area down below

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